A is fer Apples
by Inkwell Lynx
Summary: Cheerilee allows Applejack a bizarre request; teach the alphabet to her class. Normally, the magenta equine wouldn't let the farm pony anywhere NEAR her schoolhouse, but AJ DID promise to help Cheerilee with her courtship of Big Mac. And after all, it IS only the alphabet. Surely everything will be fine. (Rated T for violence and pony swears)
1. Welcome

_**Hai everypony! Hope you enjoy this... THING I have written. Don't forget to review! Sorry it's so short! If you guys like it, I'll make the next chapter longer!**_

"Hello, my little ponies!" the Ponyville Elementary school teacher, Miss Cheerilee greeted. Polite hellos and a couple of cheers rang through the classroom, but they quieted down so she could speak again. "Who's ready to learn?" The cheers instantly turned to groans of annoyance.

"Now, now, children. This a very special class today! Today, Applejack is here to teach us the alphabet!"

Most of the children went quite. Applejack? One of the six former Elements of Harmony and hero of Equestria? That one?

Applebloom beamed. She knew AJ was excited for this. But of course a voice rang through the air. An obnoxious, whiny, BRATTY voice, that is.

"The ALPHABET?! Surely you're kidding, Miss Cheerilee! We already know that!" Diamond Tiara yelled. And since poor Applebloom STILL sat right beside her, the rich brat lowered her voice and continued to the young farmer. "Or should I say, MOST of us, isn't that right, _blankflank_?". The poisonous little girl started giggling. Applebloom ignored the bully, mentally telling herself that the term 'blankflank ' didn't hurt her anymore.

"Well, Applejack assures me that this lesson will be very useful for your education!" Miss Cheerilee sounded sincere, but really, she was only allowing the farmpony to step a hoof into her classroom was because Applejack promised to put in a good word for her to Big Macintosh. It was also why she was so especially nice to Applebloom and her friends.

Suddenly, a knock resounded through the schoolhouse.

Miss Cheerilee didn't even bother to hide her nervous frown from her class as she went to open the door.

_I really should have made her Pinkie Promise on the whole Big Mac thing..._


	2. A is for what?

_**Hai everypony! A new chapter! Also, I think I should mention that I don't like Cheerilee very much, and Applejack will be slightly OOC.**_

_**Russet Burbanks: You'll have to see!**_

_**Janison: Thank you!**_

_**Applejack, Cheerilee, and all other characters and setting belong to Hasbro. I own the plot only.**_

Applejack had been up a lot last night. She couldn't help it, she was very excited! The orange pony paced back and forth, wondering what she were to say to these young, impressionable fillies and colts. But in the end, she knew what she had to do. She would teach them as Granny Smith taught her. The equine gathered her courage, which wasn't a difficult task, and knocked on the schoolhouse door

It took a couple seconds for Cheerilee to open it. When the door did open, Applejack grabbed the hoof that held the door open and shook it (like a handshake). Thankfully it was Cheerilee and not one of the children because AJ shook the teacher so hard the magenta mare fell over! Now, with nothing supporting the door, it swung back to the doorframe, hitting the fallen pony's face.

"AAH!" Cheerilee yelled in pain. She ran backwards inside, rubbing her sore muzzle. Applejack, now once more with a door in her face, raised a tentative hoof to knock once more.

The door was opened a few moments later, revealing Cheerilee, whose nose was slightly red from its recent high-five from the door. AJ held out her hoof once more to shake, but the teacher was quick to interrupt.

"No no no! I do believe I'm sufficiently shaken already"

The orange one chuckled. "Howdy, Cheerilee! Ah'm here to teach!"

"Yes, I know" Cheerilee grumbled. "You kind of crushed my hoof and hit me in the face."

"Woah woah woah. Easy there, partner. Ah might have been a lil' too eager to greet ya, but Ah didn't hit in the face, the door did!"

Cheerilee had about enough of this pointless banter. "Just come in. Start your lesson." then she added sarcastically under her breath so nopony could here, "don't break anything"

"Alright!" Applejack exclaimed before finally stepping in to the classroom.

All of the students stared in awe. A hero of Equestria stood before them, and she just hit their teacher in the face with a DOOR. Most students found this secretly hilarious, as Miss Cheerilee wasn't as nice to them as she was to the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"Ok, everypony! Mah name's Applejack, and today Ah'm gonna teach y'all a real easy way to remember yer ABCs!"

"And what might that be?" a certain spoiled bully asked

Applejack frowned. She knew this Diamond Tiara character was no good. But she decided it would be best to be peaceful... For now, that is.

"Well Ah'm glad ya asked, Diamon Tiara! Y'see, growin' up at Sweet Apple Acres, I had to learn mah ABCs real fast so Ah could go out and harvest. So mah Granny Smith taught me to think of each letter as an object, so I'd make rememberin' easier!" The farm pony explained.

The fillies and colts of Ponyville Elemantary nodded and quietly chattered amongst themselves. It made sense, even though they already knew the alphabet. Maybe this could make it even easier!

"So, Ah'm gonna ask a question to get us started."

The class nodded and leaned forward, eager to listen.

"A is for?"

Many hooves were raised in the air, but Applejack picked one she recognized. It was obvious from the cream coloured coat, frizzy red hair, and odd purple glasses that this was Twist, Applebloom's old friend.

AJ called on her. "Yes Twist? A is for?"

"Apricot!" the geeky filly called out.

This made the Element of Honesty freeze in her tracks.

"What did you say?"


	3. No, A is NOT for apricots

_**Hello everypony! Welcome back to another chapter of A is fer Apples! Now for some reviews!**_

_**Russet Burbanks: Yeeeeeaaahh... This is THAT kind of humor fic**_

_**sacob1 and DragonZeus1: I know! Twist, you idiot!**_

_**Also, dark content in this chapter. I don't know, it just happened.**_

_**Applejack, Cheerilee, and all other characters and settings belong to Hasbro. The events, however, belong to me.**_

_**Let's do it!**_

Twitch.

Applejack ever so slowly stepped toward the lispy little filly. Twist saw her substitute teacher's eye twitch multiple times as AJ walked toward her.

Twitch. Twitch.

"A is for what, Twist?" Applejack asked her very slowly.

The apple farmer was controlling everything that came out of her mouth. To anyone who wasn't there when Twist failed the question, they would have thought that Applejack was simply being condescending towards her. To the students and Cheerilee, however, this was the mare trying not to outright murder Twist.

"N-not apricoths?"

Twitch, twitch. Twitch

"Naw. It ain't apricots..."

Applejack had gotten to Twist's desk, and by now, her whole body was quivering with fury. Or madness. Maybe both. The shuddering pony asked another question.

"Do you know what A is really for?..."

Twist knew the answer, oh how she knew how completely incorrect she was.

"Applthes?" the poor filly asked, her voice shaking as much as the orange pony before her.

Twitchtwitchtwitchtwitch.

"Correct. But too late!" Applejack raised her hoof to strike the cream coloured girl.

For Cheerilee, it was like time was moving in slow motion. She saw Applejack raise her exceptionally strong foreleg. She saw Twist scream in horror. Out of the corner of her eye, Cheerilee saw other students gasp. Silver Spoon had fainted. Applebloom, on the other hoof, was staring at her desk solemnly. When Applejack's strong hoof started it's descent, that's when time decided to return to it's normal state.

The magenta mare tried to step forward and defend her student, but in her desperation, she foolishly stepped on the hoof Applejack and crushed with her hoofshake of steel. Cheerilee crumpled to the ground, giving a slight yell of pain.

When she looked up, she saw the deranged Applejack's hoof hit the desk, and it split into 2, wood flying.

_Where is Twist?!_ Cheerilee thought frantically. To her relief, she saw that Twist had leaped to safety before she could get hurt._ Oh thank Celestia she's not dead..._

Applejack glared at the rubble of the desk, but the red in her vision was fading quickly. She sat down, caught her breath, and tried to collect her thoughts. AJ felt her previous fury leave her body, and the twitching stopped.

Twitch.

Ok, NOW the twitching had stopped. The cowpony stood up and looked at Twist, who was holding on to a deadly serious Applebloom for dear life.

"Applebloom. We do not offer comfort to apple traitors." Applejack lectured flatly.

Applebloom seemed to have lost emotion, too. She shoved her old friend away from her, and Twist wrapped her hooves around the next closest pony, Diamond Tiara, who also promptly pushed her away. So Twist sat on the floor, silent tears streaking down her face.

Applejack had recovered from her sanity relapse and smiled as the students stared at her in fear that they were next. AJ turned around and wrote on the board;

_Lesson 1:_

_A is for apples. NOT apricots._

After she wrote the last sentence, the applebuckestave Twist the death glare.

"Now for B." Applejack said.

**_Sweet Celestia, what have I done. You probably won't find this funny unless you're twisted.. Like me._**

**_I REGRET NOTHING_**


	4. B is for swearing, apperantly

_**Hello! I was super excited to get into the next chapter of this, since the last one was so... SPECIAL, but I wondered, how do I follow up with such glory? Then I made the sad realization; you don't. You make jokes about pony swears.**_

_**Russet Burbanks: I'm twisted as a contortionist. ;)**_

_**Guest: Exactly.**_

_**DragonZeus1: You are correct!**_

_**TheSonicGamer99: *TWITCH* MAYBE! (on a more serious note, thanks for checking this out!)**_

_**Applejack, Cheerilee, and all other MLP characters belong to Hasbro, but I own the plot! **_

_**Huzzah!**_

The class froze, staring at the substitute. She looked fine, her coat wasn't messy, her hat was straight. In fact, one could say that the whole Applejack-tries-to-kill-Twist thing never happened. However, there was still a bit of proof that good ol' AJ attempted murder on a filly, beside the dark memories.

The first was the pile of wood that was once upon a time, this morning to be exact, was Twist's desk. Now it was a bunch of splinters, many of which had managed to lodge themselves in the walls. This alone made the students hope to pass this class, but the second clue made them hope they would live to see their families once more.

The previously mentioned second piece of physical evidence that blood was nearly spilled was the sobbing filly in the middle of the room. Desks were slightly farther away from her, in fear that Applejack would accuse them of fraternizing with the enemy.

The so called enemy's coat, mostly around her face, was matted with tears, the slight smell of salt penetrating the stench of wood. Her glasses were cracked by a small wood chip that had missed her eye. Her mane was a mess, and she was trying to control her frightened sobbing, but every so often, another would escape. This sorry excuse was Twist, Applejack's almost victim.

The other students weren't in the best shape, either. Sweetie Belle was trying to make the unconscious Silver Spoon as comfortable as she could, because the grey filly had fainted. Diamond Tiara had the same reaction as most of the other students; complete terror. Applebloom was looking at her sister with her sad amber eyes. Scootaloo wasnt sure whether she should start screaming or laughing at how ridiculous this was.

Applejack cleared her throat. "Can anypony tell me what B is for?"

Silence. Complete and utter silence. A pin fell off of Miss Cheerilee's desk, and it resounded loudly throughout the classroom.

AJ was not one to be deterred by this sort of thing. "Well, then. If nopony's gonna take a guess, Ah'll just tell y'all the answer."

A few of the braver fillies and colts let out a sigh of relief.

"B is for BUCKING!"

Sound once more came into the classroom. There was the soft, popping noise of jaws dropping. There was a loud _clunk _as Sweetie Belle dropped Silver Spoon's head. Scootaloo burst out onto giggles. Cheerilee, on the other hoof, was very angry. The magenta schoolteacher was confined to a corner, as her injury did not allow any pressure of any kind to be put on it.

"Applejack! Get you flank over here this minute!"

The farmer was utterly confused. Why was 'bucking' so funny? It was a vital part of her days. It would be useful for these children to know. Disoriented, AJ followed Cheerilee's orders and went to the corner the older mare was standing in.

"Look Applejack, this can't go on. Assaulting Twist was one thing, because, let's be honest, nopony likes her, but for Celestia's sake,YOU CANNOT TEACH THIS TO CHILDREN!" Cheerilee screamed.

"Why can't Ah teach 'em to applebuck? It could one day help 'em when they're big!" the orange pony argued.

"Applebuc- You idiot! You didn't say applebucking! You said bucking! As in-" Cheerilee raised her eyebrows suggestively.

Applejack felt her face flush in embarrassment. "Oh."

"Oh? OH?! Is that all you can say to this?! One more hoofstep out of line, and you are OUT of my class!"

"Can ya at least help me calm 'em down?"

"NO! This your mess, Applejack!"

AJ's eyes narrowed. _C'mon, Applejack, think, THINK._ Then it came to her.

"Cheerilee, how much does gettin' Big Mac mean to ya?"

Miss Cheerilee saw the implied threat. If she didn't help the cowpony, that meant no romance. "Ugh, fine." she grumbled, then cleared her throat.

Her class, after years of practicing, knew this was the time to give their full attention to their teacher. It was ingrained into their heads since they were small.

"Please give your full attention to Applejack. Her lesson isn't finished yet." Cheerilee said calmly. Her students reluctantly turned to the madmare.

"Now, Ah meant applebuckin' so git yer minds outta the gutter so I can show y'all how to do it properly."

The farmhoof went to the side of the room, got got balance and grip on her forelegs, lifted her back ones and released with a powerful buck. A buck that managed to shatter the window, that is.

"Whoops.."

_**Aaannnd there's another one done! This time, I have a request and a question to go along with your review of this chapter.**_

_**The question is why did you decide to read this story? It's just me being curious. :)**_

_**The request is... I need help with the letters. If you could either review or PM me with letter ideas, I'd be very grateful.**_

_**Good day to you!**_


	5. C is for gettin' tipsy!

_**Heyyo everypony! I have gained several helpful ideas, and after LOTS and LOTS of procrastination, hopefully they will be good! Now for some reviews!**_

_**sacob1: Lol. My reaction exactly.**_

_**DragonZeus1: I am immature and I wrote it at 1 am... I just couldn't resist**_

_**Russet Burbanks: Why didn't I think of this? Thanks!**_

_**TheMagicalLuckyMare: Aaw, jeez, TWO great suggestions?! That's it. C is a two parter!**_

_**Shadsys Teddy: She kinda walked right into it though...**_

_**TheSonicGamer99: No problem! I don't think I could handle any more ideas, anyway :)**_

_**russellthebrony: I've kinda already done that with apricots... I'll make a joke about it, though!**_

_**seaweedbrainno2: Hi! I'm glad you approve! Lol**_

_**Everything about MLP belongs to the all-mighty Hasbro. But not the plot. That's mine, motherbuckers! (Sorry... :P)**_

* * *

><p>Applejack sheepishly walked away from the window, and saw Miss Cheerilee glaring at her. The message was clear; <em>one more mistake and you are out of this classroom faster than you can say apples.<em>

"Heheh... Who's ready for the next letter?" the extremely ironically apricot coloured mare asked, her tone attempting to be cheerful. Several were still giggling over the bucking incident, but AJ payed no mind.

Even Twist, who was recently scarred for life in her close encounter with her teacher's hoof, had stopped her seemingly unendless weeping. The cream coloured filly wiped her eyes, a small joy alight in them. Who new her substitute making suggestive references could cheer somepony up so well!

"So," Applejack continued, her voice still bright and cheery. "Which one of ya knows which letter is next?"

A few hooves were raised at this. Perhaps five, and all of these were the bolder, more self-assured students.

"Yes, Scootaloo?"

"C!" the orange pegasus filly exclaimed.

"Why that's right! And does anypony know what C is for?"

There was a slightly uneasy silence, for Twist was not forgotten. Cheerilee thanked Celestia under her breath that her students were so cautious. Who knows what Applejack is capable of!

The cowpony, however, was still very comfortable, despite the lack of participation.

"Are y'all sure that y'all don't know what C is for?" after a couple shaking heads, Applejack eyed Twist.

"Ah'll give y'all a hint, it ain't carrot."

A couple of the more twisted ponies laughed (coughcoughDiamondTiaracough), while Twist's eyes widened slightly.

Applejack had moved on to what C actually was for, to Twist's vast relief. The orange mare had magically produced cups for the entire class from that invisible pocket behind her neck. Y'know the one. It's where AJ keeps her lasso and Pinkie keeps her Party Cannon.

The students eyes simultaneously went up to Applejack in confusion, while the Element of Honesty called out;

"C is fer cider of course!"

Applebloom looked joyous, and when the fillies and colts looked back downrot their cups (all at the same time, of course), they saw their mugs were filled the famous sweet smelling liquid; Apple family apple cider.

Before anypony could react, however, Applebloom had the mug in her hooves, and was gulping the delicious substance down as quickly as she could, as if the Cutie Mark Crusader could sense what was to happen.

The other students did not seem to possess this psychic ability, and the tried to be quick and follow Applebloom's lead. They were never allowed to drink this at home, but why not try it here? After all, their teacher was not only encouraging it, but would probably attempt murder again if they did not drink her cider. However, the eager students' plan was dashed as soon as they were made.

"PUT THE CIDER DOWN IMMEDIATELY!" Cheerilee yelled. All complied but Applebloom, as she already drank the last drop of the drink.

When the golden-yellow filly put down her cup, a small, lazy smile made its way onto her face. Cider always made Applebloom feel better. A few jumpy fillies were slightly frightened by Miss Cheerilee's outburst, and accidentky spilled their glorious cider on the ground, but none of it was soaked up by the surrounding wood.

The dark pinkish-purple schoolteacher hobbled along on three legs around the class, picking up the cider cups and placing them in her Neck Pocket of Destiny. After she was done up all the **alchoholic **beverages, she also threw a quick glare at Applebloom before stepping up to Applejack.

"No. More. Alchohol. Do you understand me? You are SO lucky I love Big Macintosh so much." she hissed, which Applejack met with a roll of her leaf green eyes.

"Just keep thinkin' 'bout romancing mah brother, sugarcube." the younger mare replied sarcastically. AJ then turned to the class and spoke.

"Since Miss Cheerilee doesn't know how to have fun, Ah guess we should do somethin' else fer C."

"Ooh! Ooh! I know! Me! Me!"

Applejack looked toward the familiar voice. It was Scootaloo, and her right hoof was held in the air like a flag. The farmworker nodded her head in permission to speak.

"Can I tell a story that Rainbow Dash once told me? It starts with C and everything!"

"Sure, what's it called?"

The orange and purple filly grinned with slight malevolence.

"Cupcakes"

* * *

><p><strong><em>Aaannd there we go! Another chapter that I originally was going to put off for another five days. Aren't I sweet? Anywho, if any of you lovely folks reading come up with more letter suggestions, let me hear em via PM or review! C will also have a second part, obviously ;)<em>**

**_Please leave a review, they help fill the dark hole where my soul used to be... _**


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